The Ambition Penalty: Why Success Still Costs Women More, With Stefanie O’Connell
Women are often told the path to success is simple: be more confident, ask for more, lean in and work harder.
But what happens when women do all of those things and still do not receive the same outcomes?
In this episode of The Wallet, Emilie Bellet speaks with journalist and author Stefanie O’Connell about her new book The Ambition Penalty and the hidden costs women still face when expressing ambition at work and at home.
The conversation explores workplace bias, negotiation backlash, burnout, unpaid labour, identity, and why inequality is often reproduced through systems rather than individual choices.
Listen on Spotify | Apple Podcasts
Here are some of the key takeaways from the episode.
Women do not have an “ambition problem”
One of the biggest myths Stefanie challenges is the idea that women are held back because they are less ambitious or less confident than men.
Her research found the opposite.
Women are willing to put themselves forward, negotiate, work hard and pursue leadership. The issue is not ambition itself, but how ambition is received and rewarded differently depending on identity.
As Stefanie explains, “He’s ambitious” is often interpreted positively: strong, driven, leadership material.
But “She’s ambitious” can still carry negative assumptions: selfish, difficult, not a team player.
The same behaviour often produces different outcomes.
Small biases create massive long-term inequality
One of the most striking moments in the conversation focuses on how tiny workplace biases compound over time.
Stefanie references research simulating what happens when a man and woman enter the workplace with identical qualifications and performance, but where women experience just a 3% evaluation bias.
The result: women needed dramatically more successful performance reviews and completed far more projects to reach the same executive level.
What matters is not only major acts of discrimination.
It is the accumulation of small disadvantages repeated consistently over years.
This helps explain why inequality persists even in workplaces that believe themselves to be meritocratic.
Negotiation advice is often incomplete
Women are frequently told: “the worst they can say is no.”
But the reality is more complicated.
Stefanie discusses research showing women are more likely to experience backlash when negotiating salaries or promotions, including being viewed negatively, penalised professionally or even having offers withdrawn.
The issue is not that women should stop negotiating. It is that many women are blindsided by the social and professional consequences that can still exist.
The problem is not individual failure. It is the environment in which those negotiations happen.
Burnout is not always personal failure
Many women internalise exhaustion as a sign that they are not resilient enough, productive enough or organised enough.
But Stefanie argues burnout is often structural.
Workplaces still reward:
constant availability,
visibility,
long hours,
and “hustle,”
even when those behaviours are inefficient and harmful.
At the same time, women still perform the majority of unpaid labour at home, creating a double burden that becomes unsustainable over time.
As Stefanie puts it: “You can’t self-care your way out of that.”
Inequality at home shapes inequality at work
One of the most powerful parts of the episode focuses on unpaid care and household dynamics.
Stefanie explains that women’s unpaid labour does not only disadvantage women individually.
It actively subsidises men’s careers.
When women take on more childcare, emotional labour and domestic responsibilities, men are often able to devote more uninterrupted time and energy to paid work.
The conversation also explores what happens when women become the primary earner in heterosexual relationships.
Some women experience tension, withdrawal or backlash from partners when traditional expectations around money and success shift.
These dynamics are rarely discussed openly, but they have real economic and emotional consequences.
Girlboss and tradwife culture share the same flaw
One of the most thought-provoking parts of the conversation is Stefanie’s comparison between “girlboss” culture and the rise of tradwife content online.
Although these movements appear very different, she argues they share a common message:
that women themselves are the problem.
Girlboss culture tells women: be more confident, work harder and ask for more.
Tradwife culture tells women: be softer, less ambitious and more submissive.
But both frame the obstacle as the woman herself, rather than the systems surrounding her.
Ambition does not have to mean hustle culture
The episode ends with a broader reflection on what ambition actually means.
Stefanie argues ambition should not be reduced to:
overwork,
productivity hacks,
or endless optimisation.
Instead, ambition can mean:
living in alignment with your values,
pursuing meaningful goals,
and being supported fairly in doing so.
The challenge is not that women lack ambition.
It is that ambition is still not equally supported, rewarded or sustained.
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only and does not constitute financial advice.
Resources
Connect with Stefanie:
Order The Ambition Penalty
Website: Too Ambitious
Instagram: @stefanieoconnell
LinkedIn: Stefanie O’Connell
Partner
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