How to Find Purpose After a Death? with Selina Flavius

If discussions about death are sensitive for you, feel free to skip this one.

In this episode, we are joined by Selina Flavius, the powerhouse behind Black Girl Finance. Selina shares her personal journey of unexpected loss in early 2022, when her fiancé passed away.

From abruptly shifting wedding plans to not even being welcomed to his funeral and navigating the aftermath, Selina graciously shares her story of loss and recovery, how she found purpose after her loss and the profound impact it had on her financial values and priorities.

How to Find Purpose After a Death? with Selina Flavius

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an unexpected loss

Selina begins her story with the anticipation of marital bliss. Engaged to be married, she and her partner were navigating wedding planning. However, their plans took an unexpected turn when the COVID-19 pandemic disrupted their scheduled wedding in 2020. With optimism, they rescheduled for 2021, only to face further delays due to ongoing restrictions. Finally, they settled on a new date in 2022.

Tragically, just six months before their anticipated wedding day, Selina's world was shattered by the sudden passing of her partner in January 2022. The pain of his loss was compounded by the recent death of his father, leaving him grappling with his own grief and bereavement. Selina recounts the heart-wrenching experience of navigating the aftermath of his passing, from notifying his estranged next of kin to grappling with legal complexities.

Selina faced immediate challenges after her partner died, especially concerning their marital status. Despite living together and being engaged for years, their relationship wasn't legally recognised. Dealing with property matters, like owning a house with his ex-wife, made things even more complicated.

After his death, Selina had to manage his burial while dealing with a coroner's investigation. This was emotionally and logistically tough, especially because there weren't clear legal guidelines to follow.

Despite all the difficulties, Selina found strength in her loved ones' support. Her experience highlights the importance of planning ahead financially and recognising relationships legally, not just through marriage

“Having a will in place is super important as well, just as an individual, having those insurance policies in place, whether it’s life insurance or income protection. And then also just having really frank conversations with your partner around, okay, you’ve got this house, is it in your name? Is it in someone else’s name? Did you buy it with somebody else? Just so you’re not blind sided.”
— Selina Flavius

emotional and financial repercussions

When Selina's partner passed away, she had to deal with a lot of complicated legal issues as well as family issues. Since they weren't married and he didn't have a will, she faced challenges in getting information about his death and dealing with his estranged family members.

Selina had difficulty communicating with the coroner and proving her relationship with her partner. She had to show evidence, such as engagement photos, to confirm their connection.

Things got even more complicated when her partner's ex-wife and estranged family members claimed ownership of their shared property. This situation showed how important it is to have legal documents like wills and life insurance in place to protect loved ones in tough times.

Looking back on her experience, Selina stresses the importance of planning for unexpected events, especially for couples who live together. She encourages people to think about creating wills, getting life insurance, and making sure their wishes are known to protect their partners in case something happens. Selina also mentions the availability of bereavement support and financial help for those who have lost a partner.

lessons learned

Selina highlights the importance of understanding the implications of living with a partner, a significant aspect for a large percentage of the UK population. She stresses the necessity of financial independence, emergency funds, and essential documents like life insurance and a will to outline one's wishes in case of unforeseen events.

Reflecting on her own experience, Selina emphasises the significance of open communication between partners about financial matters and property ownership. She suggests having clear discussions to avoid being caught off guard in challenging situations.

In terms of finding purpose after her loss, Selina acknowledges the difficulty of the journey and expresses gratitude for the support she received from her late partner's friends and her own family. She found solace in their presence during difficult times and the communal support provided during cultural ceremonies like the nine-night gathering.

Selina credits her family's unwavering support and the continued operation of her business, which she attributes to a stroke of luck with newly recruited staff members. Selina stresses the importance of seeking support and maintaining open communication to navigate the complexities of grief and loss.

moving forward

An unexpected opportunity arose while Selina was at her sister's house, trying to take a day off from everything and relax. She received an email inviting her to be on ITV. It felt like a unique and unexpected chance, giving her a purpose and reason to start each day with new energy.

Apart from this exciting opportunity, Selina also made sure to seek bereavement counselling and joined a peer-to-peer support group called Widowed and Young. Despite her emotional challenges, her business, Black Girl Finance, remained a source of purpose for her.

In the midst of planning events and managing her business, there were times when the most straightforward tasks felt overwhelming due to the emotional toll. Selina found solace in talking about her experiences and drawing purpose from sharing her story with others.

When asked for any final tips, Selina emphasised the importance of seeking knowledge and support during times of grief. She delved into books, podcasts, and communities focused on bereavement to better understand her feelings and experiences. She also highlighted the value of bereavement counselling and leaned on supportive individuals during tough times.

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Resources

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